These articles have been published on the internet, mainly on the EFT website, EFTUniverse.com
Orgasm with Your Partner
When Cheryl contacted me she was frustrated by her inability to orgasm with her partner. In her mid forties, she had never had an orgasm with any partner. When I asked what her goal was she said “any orgasm with a partner would be a success, but the best would be orgasm with intercourse.”
For brevity’s sake I won’t go into a lot of detail with exact tapping phrases but will focus here on the blocks that were in the way for Cheryl. As always I began by asking her some general questions about her sexual history, her upbringing, her religious beliefs, and her past relationships. During this inquiry Cheryl, who is now a successful and confident professional, admitted that she was reluctant to give up control and she was afraid of being emotionally hurt.
I’ll note parts of our sessions here just to give a sense of the areas we worked on. In each case we looked for specific events from Cheryl’s past that convinced her of her current beliefs so we could clear them.
Control issues/fear of getting hurt: Cheryl knows what feels good to her physically but holds back in telling her partner (we’ll call him Joe). As we worked through this, Cheryl noticed even more how she holds back with Joe and experienced sadness about not wanting to need anyone.
We cleared a specific event regarding her first boyfriend; i.e., she was glad she never had sex with him because broke her heart as a teenager.
Even though Joe was eager for guidance from her, Cheryl felt “embarrassed/yucky” and could not talk to him about what she likes.
We cleared many specific events from a prior long-term relationship that was unhappy and unsatisfying where communication seemed futile.
Then we tackled guilt feelings from family or origin and specific events contributing to this guilt. Then Cheryl’s fear of being vulnerable came up; she felt unwilling to relax and trust. We cleared many resentments toward Joe (when we’re angry with someone it’s hard to give ourselves to them).
Cheryl now felt ready to talk to Joe about wanting help from him so she can experience more pleasure. While tapping, we practiced specific phrases that Cheryl would say until she felt more much more comfortable speaking the words. As we moved toward Cheryl being more open, vulnerable and asking for what she needs/likes in bed, she felt anger at herself for accepting all these years of her life without having an orgasm with her partner(s). We worked on forgiving herself and this even strengthened Cheryl’s commitment to change.
Initial Success: Cheryl had two orgasms with Joe. After this, we continued working on specific sexual issues Cheryl wanted to address. For example, oral sex and the ability to speak more freely about sex since she noticed that she still is not fully saying and doing what she wants during sex and she really wants to change that.
More specific events from past relationships are cleared plus current anger and frustrations with Joe as they occur to keep her clear and open to him.
More success: Cheryl had her first orgasm during intercourse! She continues to enjoy expanding her communication and pleasure.
It is so gratifying for me to be let into clients’ private lives and to be able to be on their team as they pursue their goals. Both Cheryl and Joe are glad that she had the courage to take action. And grateful for EFT!
Comment from Gary Craig: Nancy Morris goes into great detail for her female client who is afraid to ask for intimacy. Many useful ideas here for motivated women. Hugs, Gary
Afraid to Speak Up in Bed
Marie contacted me looking for help with her ability to enjoy sex. She’s 62 and has a great boyfriend, Nick, (not their real names; published with client’s permission) who she’s crazy about and who really turns her on, but she’s been unable to really feel fulfilled during their lovemaking. In our first telephone session Marie said that she’d only been able to have 3 orgasms in 2 years and that was with a vibrator.
Marie said she felt “defective”, “like and fool” and “pathetic” when she compared herself to other women, especially how she imagined Nick’s ex-girlfriends were. Marie was really beating herself up about this even though she said she had high self-esteem in other areas of her life. We worked on this phrase: “Even though I can’t compete with other women when it comes to sex…” Marie’s estimation of the truth of this statement started at a 9 and subsequently reduced to 7, 5, 3, and 0. To get this reduction we worked through various aspects of her feelings: (1) Thinking Nick was comparing her (no evidence of this, just Marie’s worry); (2) Marie being 7 years older than Nick; (3) Not deserving such a terrific boyfriend.
I asked Marie what Nick thought about her age and his point of view was that she was lucky to have the beautiful breasts and body that she has, so we tapped several rounds on this to remind her that THIS was what he thought, the other negative thoughts were hers. I reminded Marie how, as women, we tend to scrutinize our bodies for their flaws but that most men focus on the things they enjoy about us… our curves, the softness of our skin, our smell, our sounds, etc. Men are busy enjoying us; we need not waste our time focusing on our imperfections. She seemed to really “get” the truth of this waste of her energies when she could be paying attention to what feels good instead of being in her head. We tapped in these positive statements: “He’s enjoying my soft skin”, “He loves my shapely legs”, “I smell really good to him”, “He loves having his hands on my round ass”, “My breasts feel good to him”, etc. Marie loved how she felt after this round.
Our second session was only a week later and we worked on two specific areas that Marie had revealed during our first conversation that I thought might be causing some of her problem with enjoying sex fully. The first was that she said “I don’t know what I want.” My experience has shown that often we (both men and women) tell ourselves we “don’t know what we want” because we don’t know HOW to ask for it and thus are AFRAID to ask. Our fear is so strong that it blocks our admitting to ourselves that we at least have some ideas about what we might like when it comes to lovemaking. I asked Marie if she felt Nick really wanted to please her. She enthusiastically said yes, he definitely wants to make her happy in bed, but insisted she had no idea what she wanted. I gently pursued a line of questioning about masturbation and Marie’s ability to satisfy herself. Since she knew how to give herself an orgasm, it only makes sense that she really does know “what works” and is just unable to put it into words.
After a little more questioning Marie admitted that because this was the best relationship she ever had, she was afraid to experiment and ruin a good thing. Marie admitted “I can’t ask for anything. I just let things happen and hope it’ll turn out well”. She said she wanted spontaneity and believed “it can’t work if I ask for what I want”. This too is a very common limiting belief. We tapped on all these issues and I assured Marie that if Nick cared for her the way she’s so sure he does that he would be delighted to get some hints about how to bring her satisfaction. I’ve taught classes that included very specific ways to communicate with your partner during loveplay to help guide them without making them feel inadequate or causing any upset. I coached Marie in this method and she took notes and agreed that this seemed like something she could do. We tapped this in:
“Even though I’ve been afraid to speak up, I deeply and completely accept myself. Even though, up until now, I’ve been afraid to ask for what I want, I love and forgive myself. Even though I’ve been afraid to ask for what I want, I now have the desire to ask and I love and accept this about myself.”
Then, tappinging the basic EFT tapping points:
“Afraid to ask”
“I’ve been afraid to ask”
“Now I know how to ask”
“I may not always know exactly what I want…”
“… but I can say what I think I might like”
“I don’t have to be sure it’ll work.”
“I can make a suggestion, ‘I think I might like it if you’d…”
“We’ll feel like we’re on the same team”
“Like we’re sorting this out together”
“It can be fun”
“It’ll probably feel good”
“Nick really wants to please me”
“I really want to feel pleased”
“Now I know how to encourage him when something feels good”
“Now I know how to ask for what might feel even better”
“Now I know to appreciate him whenever he does something that feels nice to me”
“This will be fun”
“I’m eager to try it”
By the end of this tapping, Marie felt enthusiastic about coaching Nick during their next lovemaking.
Another issue then arose… Marie explained to me that when she did start to get turned on she was unable to move around to really enjoy it; she was afraid Nick would stop touching her if she moved. I asked Marie if there was any incident from her past. She said that she is naturally a very kinesthetic person but that growing up there was no touching, kissing or affection in her home. Then, when she was 16 years old and babysitting for the neighbor’s children, they gathered around her and brushed her hair and she liked it so much she didn’t dare move. She said she stopped breathing and just sat there and didn’t move an inch. She loved their affections so much she was afraid they’d stop if she moved. This incident gave her an intensity of 5. We tapped through it using the movie technique and got it easily down to a zero.
About 6 weeks later I followed up with Marie and received this email, excerpts are printed with her permission: “Where I am now is that I speak up. We are learning each other's bodies in a new way because I no longer am afraid that if I move he will stop touching me. That is huge right there. I know what I need to become wildly hot and now I'm willing to guide him and he is just fine with it. Thank you for your kind help and I'll keep you posted.”
Marie added that she felt “it has only just begun”. I think she’s absolutely right. Once communication is opened up so that exploration can begin, pleasure can be limitless.
EFT is the perfect tool for situations like this. All the logic and reasoning in the world sometimes can’t seem to get into us, even though we understand and believe it logically. With EFT as a helper we can change the negative thought patterns that have been there for a very long time, and change them permanently. EFT is great!
Comment from Gary Craig: Nancy pinpoints a list of issues that were barriers to her client's success. She emphasizes the importance of getting to specific events for this type of globally stated issue, i.e. "I don't feel comfortable with my feminine body". This requires some unraveling of the specific events that contributed to this feeling. Hugs, Gary
Loving Your Feminine Body
Jody, a woman in her mid-50’s contacted me looking for “help with her sexuality”. When I asked more specifically what she wanted, she said she didn’t feel comfortable as a woman and would like to “feel comfortable and happy in her feminine sexual body.” She was single, had been married before, and in the long term wanted to find another relationship but felt that even if she did, she was so uncomfortable with her sexuality that the relationship would fail. She wanted to work on this herself so she’d be ready for the relationship when it came along. This is such an intelligent approach.
We began our work in December 2007. On December 4, 2008 I received this note from Jody: “…thought I would drop you a note to give you an update on what has been happening in my life. I’ve met a very nice guy, very thoughtful, loving and considerate and so honest and open I think we may have a future together. Thank you for all your help in getting me to this stage in my life where I could be free and really present in the moment (both in and out of bed) with him. AND it was better than good!!! It was a truly exquisite experience for me. I am feeling feminine and sexy. I still tap each day. Who really knows what the future will hold, but I am enjoying the journey.”
How did Jody make this change? It was simple, but required some persistence. When someone says something general, like “I don’t feel comfortable with my feminine body” it requires some unraveling of the specific events that contributed to this feeling. To summarize, with Jody, we worked on:
Specific incidents that had caused her to not feel SAFE to be a woman and her fear of men (based on her father and grandfather’s abusive behaviors).
There was sexual abuse as a child to clear up.
Jody felt much sadness and fear in her body and often found comfort in food.
We dealt with many body-related issues, body image/acceptance.
Specific incidents as a teenager where she learned it wasn’t safe to show her feminine side.
Her marriage, husband’s infidelity, his constant criticisms, and their divorce.
During our work together Jody lost her job and we dealt with her fears about finding a new one.
As our work progressed Jody moved toward forgiveness or at least acceptance of those who had hurt her and she gained self-assurance.
In all we had 15 appointments. Yes, that is a lot for EFT, but Jody got exactly the result she was looking for “feeling comfortable and happy in her feminine sexual body” and she got a better job with better pay, gained confidence in herself at work and with friends, she improved her family relationships, and lost weight in the bargain. Not to mention that she feels, in her words: “free and really present in the moment (both in and out of bed) with him. AND it was better than good!!! It (sex) was a truly exquisite experience for me.”